The disappointment list. Honest, healing confessions.

An ongoing list of disappointments and hardships I haven endured.  An old youth group activity required you to write your hurts on a piece of paper and then either nail them to a cross or burn them…as if offering them up to Jesus.  Well, I am going to offer up my hurts here…Lay them down, in honesty.

I have kept so many hurts and disappointments in over the last 30 years of my life.  So much pain unwilling to seep forth from my depths for fear that I wouldn’t be received for being me…hurts and all.

  1. Disappointed that I was born with a mole on my right cheek.
  2. Isolated and rejected from friends and family in high school, I felt like the “black sheep” of my family…because I stood for my faith and what it meant to me.  Great disappointment that my parents couldn’t accept me for me.  That I was an unwelcomed stranger in my own town.
  3. Disappointed that in a town where you are somebody if you are a standout athlete, I was a clumsy, uncoordinated geek who loved math and scrapbooking.
  4. Disappointed that I had horrible acne.  My face was an oil slick and one time I even counted 40 pustules…snow capped pimples that littered my face.
  5. Disappointed that in order to find my own sense of identity, I had to move 2 hours from home…live in dorms that were condemned within 2 years of my living there, go to community college instead of finishing out my senior year in high school…with drug dealers below me and crazy nights of passion invading my ears through walls of single cinderblocks.
  6. Disappointed that I couldn’t stop eating in college.  I gained what I called the Freshman 25.  All I could think about was food, dessert and the next time I could sink my teeth into pleasing delights for my palate.
  7. Disappointed in my choices. Once I completed college, I talked myself INTO moving to Arizona for a boy…only to find out that he really wasn’t that into me. Now what?
  8. Disappointed that I didn’t have the shapely breasts I so desired or a smaller, more acceptable rearend.  (My mom doesn’t like the word butt, I just can’t bring myself to say it or write it for that matter, but then again, I guess I just did.)
  9. Disappointed that I am such a people pleaser and can’t seem to stand being alone.
  10. Disappointed to have to LEARN to be CONTENT alone.  Moved to Philadelphia for grad school, only to have 3 local friends to my name for the entire 2 years I was there.  I would go whole weekends without seeing or hearing from anyone except the baristas at Starbucks.  That was definitely the most lonely time in my life.
  11. Disappointed that I didn’t think more highly of myself.  I was sooo lonely in Philly.  Sooo lonely that I settled for this boyfriend who called me, if I was lucky, maybe once a month…but I didn’t care, I would grow anxious over the weeks since his last phone call…but one swift ring of the telephone would melt my anxieties away and I was back in his palm like putty.
  12. Disappointed that I was quickly approaching my 30s and hadn’t met my match.
  13. Disappointed that I am unable to get pregnant.
  14. Disappointed that I am not the one wearing the cute maternity jeans or decorating a nursery or trying to zero in on the most perfect name for our new baby.

There are so many disappointments in life.  So many challenges and hardships.  I have a choice.  I can allow them to defeat me or I can look them square in the face and learn from them.  What is this situation teaching me?  How can I rise above this?  How can I be my best self?  Well, I am certainly NOT a victim in this life.  I have never have been nor will I ever be.  I am VICTORIOUS in life.  Thanks to my, Jesus, I have hope.  I can and will endure.  There will be many more disappointments, many more failures and misjudgements, but I will stand on the Rock and Cornerstone of my faith and look to him to shed light on my plight.  To show me his will, his way.

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