I struggle with this pain that I feel. This sense of loss. This sense of hopelessness. How can I, someone who has soooo much feel so hopeless, allowing myself to sink into depression at times, when God has been so good to me?
It’s true. He has been sooo good!
Working in the medical field…daily, I am in contact with people whose stories are so much more troubling than mine. Stories of loss, full of heartbreak and physical challenges.
The mid twenties woman ravaged by a meningeal infection, now without limbs and forever wheelchair bound. She can’t even scratch her arm or move an annoying strand of hair from her face. Or the mid twenties something soldier fresh home from his tour of duty in Afganistan (x2!) only to be diagnosed with a devastating brain tumor…now confined to a nursing home, unable to communicate and move though everyone is pretty sure his mind is completely intact. Or how about the young thirty year old, born with a disease that progressively renders you immobile and mentally impaired with a young death a certainty. I could go on and on. Each story humbles me, breaks me. I am so thankful for the blessing of being alive, able to move, and able to communicate with those so dear to me.
I think of my friends who are still single…approaching their mid-thirties who have DREAMED of having a family of their own. Friends who are so beautiful and would make the most wonderful wives. Not only do they feel hopeless as to whether or not God will ever bring their knight in shining armor into their lives, but it is nearly impossible for them to even entertain thoughts of one day having a family. It would only deepen the pain they are now experiencing.
I think of the homeless, the poor, those who grow up without families who love them. Is it even fair for me to dwell so much on this pain I experience? Is it selfish? Have I lost touch with reality?
I have learned that it doesn’t matter. We simply cannot compare. God gives each of us the stories he desires to use to grow us, mold us, and make us into the people he has called us to be. I think of the growth that has already occurred in my life as a result of this trying past year. When my husband and I are honest with ourselves, we both agree that we are now in a much better spot in our relationship and in our walk with God than we could have ever dreamed of being in over a year ago when we started trying to conceive. God needed us to walk into our pain and meet him there. He needed us to be honest about it, feel our pain and experience it fully – to find him there, to lean unto Him there. It makes us deeper, more understanding, more compassionate and thankful individuals. We are better able to weep with those who weep and now have hearts with room to carry hope for others.
I wouldn’t trade any of it. I would not trade a single day, month, or even the past year. I love the story God has for my life. He never promised it would be bliss, but he did promise a light load should we put our trust in him.
Matthew 11:30. “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
What does that mean? To me it means that we, as a body of Christ, are to carry each other’s burdens, moving ever in hope towards his promise of perfect peace.
Thank you, Jesus, for this story of ours. May we glean every last morsel of truth and character development from it. May we be vessels of your glory and mercy in this world.