Two weeks ago I had a realization that really helped me turn the corner on my infertility pilgrimage.
Sometimes, I seek to simply exist. Just get me through the day. I pray for minimal challenges. My morning prayers on my commute often go something like this: Bless me, Lord. Be with me and go before me. Place a hedge of protection around me. May things proceed smoothly today. Be my hands, my feet, my eyes, the words of my mouth. Make my heart like yours. Use me for your glory. I pray these things, I mean them…at the time. But then, I get through. Get through the day so I can come home and put my feet up, snuggle with my puppy, and love on my husband. Is it enough? Should I be seeking more? Or is it okay to simply float through your day. And then I hear it…
A knock. And then again. I can hear the handle begin to jiggle and the door tremble. It’s the door of my heart. I am familiar with the sound. You see, there has been a persistent knock on that door for about the past week. I haven’t wanted to answer it as I know the message already. It’s 2 simple words: OWN IT.
In the past few days I have felt like God is telling me that I need to own this. Own this story of mine. For so long, I have wanted to believe that infertility is someone else’s story. Not ours. For us, a pregnancy is inevitable. We just need to wait a few more months and a baby would be ours. I’ve listened. I’ve read as others have conveyed their stories of grief and loss. This just can’t be our story. There is no way. I waited so long to meet my husband…had to go through so much hardship to find him. This is so unfair. My suffering should be over for a while…at least a good season of my life, right? God should make this easy for us…give us the family we have always desired. But this just hasn’t been the case.
And yet…I hear Him say, sometimes from behind the closed door, a muffled voice, faint, but firm.
Own it, Danielle. It is time for you to embrace this. This is YOUR story. I have given you THIS story and I need you to take it as YOURS. It’s not just Natasha’s, not only Raylene’s…but it’s YOURS too and it’s going to look slightly different than theirs. Receive this. By doing so, you will find me. I will be better able to use you to fulfill my purpose through you. Better able to walk with you, to hold your hand as you journey through this unknown path. Better able to comfort you, encourage you, and renew your strength.
Battling through infertility, sometimes it is so much easier to simply exist, float through life…numbing life’s emotions and pain with busyness, work, DISTRACTIONS. But what if starting today, I take this story as my own and walk in it. No longer seeking the protection of numbness. No longer allowing apathy to be my friend. Instead I will pursue fresh perspective and a restored passion for living in the moment, each day.