We’ve all been there. You’re off work, you want to RUN out the door but your bladder beckons you. It pleads with you to give it some attention before facing your unpredictable, bladder sometimes demanding commute. You give in and of course, that is when you notice the spotting has started. No newsflash need be made. Period is imminent.
For the first time in over a year, I was prepared for this day. My husband’s sperm is not working. I knew my period was inevitable. I was ready for the hemorrhage to begin from my body. Not really a hemorrhage, I guess, but for the shedding of that beautiful, life giving, nourishing blood. It becomes quite personal when you go through infertility. This should still be inside of me, giving life to a growing soul within my womb.
But no, not this month, probably not next month either. Remember, we are on the slow bus. The sidelines. It is TIME out for us. I quickly pushed the reality back into the far reaches of my mind. Is that even possible? Informed, prepared, expectant…but still it cuts deep. Another month older, another month closer to my next birthday. The thirties just seem to be flying by and I am just getting into them. Advanced maternal age isn’t far off.
I made myself a margarita and aimlessly read blogs while my husband readied a homemade pizza. It wasn’t long before I was buzzing. Being that I never really drink anymore, it only took half for me to feel sluggish. I decided half was plenty and made my way to our shower, my legs heavy beneath me like dead weights walking up the stairs to our bedroom.
Showers are my go to coping strategy these days. I guess they have been since grad school. I love to sit in the shower and let the hot water just flow over me. Yes, I could sit in a bath, but there is just something about the shower. Something about the steam, something about the steady streams of water pouring over my eyes, shoulders, and knees. It’s soothing. It’s when I do some of my best thinking, best praying, and best just being. I LOVE IT. Tonight, I began to wonder how others cope. What do you do to get through? What are your simple pleasures that help you along the rough and wounding roads of infertility?
I felt a lot better after showering. I am now ready to sink into my most wondrous bed. Goodnight, blessings, and thanks for reading.