Sometimes, I just don’t know what to say. I have probably started at least 7 new posts over the past few weeks and just can’t quite seem to get it out right in written word. I am in a strange spot…wavering between thoughts of anticipation and defeat.
Will this be our month? Or will we soon join the wagon train named IVF. I’m just not sure. My husband is increasingly feeling defeated. We have prayed and prayed for a baby. How do you respond to God when he doesn’t seem ready to respond to you? Have our prayers been heard? Are our hearts in the right spot?
This week a friend of mine posted the following on facebook. God only answers prayer in 3 ways: 1. Yes 2. Not Yet 3. I have something BETTER in mind.
I have heard this before, but this week it served as a good reminder as I try so desperately to remember that if God does not will for us our own biological child, there WILL be something better for us. I was encouraged by a radio program I just happen to tune into in which there were 3 women describing their journey through infertility. I was struck by the fact that at the end of the day, all three woman got the family they so desired. Whether biological or adopted children, all came out out with precious family members. In retrospect, they could all, without question, say that things turned out perfectly for them. I found the program very encouraging. I love hearing people share their stories. I love hearing the hope that was discovered and the unending joy that God brought into their lives though they journeyed through such a difficult and trying season.
A friend of mine who did IVF and has two beautiful twin boys reminds me each time I see her at work that no matter what, someday I will have my family. No matter what. It will happen. At times, I so desperately want to believe her. At other times, I feel that she has forgotten what it was like to walk this road and is trying to brush off my feelings as insignificant. But deep down, I know, in the bottom of my heart that she is right. One day, I will have the children I so deeply desire and it will be GOOD. I am just not certain as to how we will get there, but I will!
As for now, I am off to a baby shower. Wish me luck.
Thanks for reading.