Scattered thoughts + wine

I gave in…I had some wine.

Yep, it’s true.  I was making some risotto…and I did it.  A cup for the risotto, a glass for me.

I have given up so much in my journey to become pregnant.  Reprimanded early on by my OB/GYN’s office for having 1-2 glasses/week of alcohol, I quit. Sometimes I will have the occasional drink after my period begins, but I always abstain while ovulating and in the 2ww.  At other times, I gave it up for months on end.  As we have gotten deeper into our journey, there are moments when it’s nice to put your feet up and have a little something to drink or grab a cocktail on a date night out. Do I need it?  No.  Am I a lush?  Hardly.  Am I serious about getting pregnant?  Couldn’t be more serious. I just feel like sometimes I have given up too many things and have gotten nowhere.

When we were in Costa Rica in December, we visited these incredible hot springs.  Guess who had to sit on the side lines and only dip her toes in because she was too scared the high temperatures might be the demise of the growing soul within her belly?  Guess it was hard to figure out who, right?  Me.  Guess who wasn’t pregnant?  Right again. There are so many other things, other sacrifices that I have made.  Of course it’s worth it, I wouldn’t even question it given we were pregnant and having our baby.  But when your diagnosis is “unexplained infertility” with no hope in sight, a year and a half having ever so slowly ticked by…sometimes, it just doesn’t seem worthwhile to put your life on a constant “hold”.

Throughout this journey, I have learned that you HAVE to continue to LIVE through the pain.  Embrace it, experience it…but move through it.  You have to find something worth living for and then just keep walking.  All the while, being easy on yourself.  At times, I am my own worst enemy…perhaps, I am treading this difficult road to learn to let it go…and let live.  Give myself a break once in a while.  I am PLAGUED by my Catholic Guilt.  I wonder what I did to deserve this plight?  What will set me free?  What need I repent of?  How do I move forward?  Where will my reprieve come from?  The answers to all these things are simple and boil down to a few basic truths.  Love God.  Trust God.  Learn to love myself.  Give myself a BREAK!

So tonight, I lift my glass in the air.  Cheers.  Cheers to trying adventures and persistent hope.

Someday, I will have the family I long for…and this little glass of wine….WILL.NOT.MATTER.

(Picture of the wine is from our trip to Vernazza, Italy…before it’s destruction last fall. : (  I LOVE the Cinque Terra.)

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7 thoughts on “Scattered thoughts + wine

  1. Great post! I agree so much. It sucks having to put living your life on hold for the sake of this process, especially with the risk of failure always looming. Good for you! I will toast with you!

  2. Honestly I could have written this post myself . . . once you decide to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to live “normally” and have that glass of wine or whatever it is, just make sure you try your hardest to stuff that guilt down- I know it is sooo sooo soooo sooooo hard. I had made so many sacrifices and became very resentful about the whole journey and I know now that it was unhealthy. I hope you can save yourself that pain and just find some balance. Hugs from here.

    • Thank you so much for your comment. I try so hard to keep the guilt at bay. At times, it can become a constant battle – especially when you have allowed it to consume so much of you for 30+ years!

  3. Lying here with kissing ovaries that make it difficult to even walk…I wonder if all of these sacrifices will pay off…if one day soon pregnancy and our baby in our arms will actually happen. So much physical and emotional pain. And now we must take a break so my ovaries can rest and resume their appropriate state. Sigh. I’d appreciate any prayers you’d send our way.
    ~Victoria

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