Yep, it’s true. I was making some risotto…and I did it. A cup for the risotto, a glass for me.
I have given up so much in my journey to become pregnant. Reprimanded early on by my OB/GYN’s office for having 1-2 glasses/week of alcohol, I quit. Sometimes I will have the occasional drink after my period begins, but I always abstain while ovulating and in the 2ww. At other times, I gave it up for months on end. As we have gotten deeper into our journey, there are moments when it’s nice to put your feet up and have a little something to drink or grab a cocktail on a date night out. Do I need it? No. Am I a lush? Hardly. Am I serious about getting pregnant? Couldn’t be more serious. I just feel like sometimes I have given up too many things and have gotten nowhere.
When we were in Costa Rica in December, we visited these incredible hot springs. Guess who had to sit on the side lines and only dip her toes in because she was too scared the high temperatures might be the demise of the growing soul within her belly? Guess it was hard to figure out who, right? Me. Guess who wasn’t pregnant? Right again. There are so many other things, other sacrifices that I have made. Of course it’s worth it, I wouldn’t even question it given we were pregnant and having our baby. But when your diagnosis is “unexplained infertility” with no hope in sight, a year and a half having ever so slowly ticked by…sometimes, it just doesn’t seem worthwhile to put your life on a constant “hold”.
Throughout this journey, I have learned that you HAVE to continue to LIVE through the pain. Embrace it, experience it…but move through it. You have to find something worth living for and then just keep walking. All the while, being easy on yourself. At times, I am my own worst enemy…perhaps, I am treading this difficult road to learn to let it go…and let live. Give myself a break once in a while. I am PLAGUED by my Catholic Guilt. I wonder what I did to deserve this plight? What will set me free? What need I repent of? How do I move forward? Where will my reprieve come from? The answers to all these things are simple and boil down to a few basic truths. Love God. Trust God. Learn to love myself. Give myself a BREAK!
So tonight, I lift my glass in the air. Cheers. Cheers to trying adventures and persistent hope.
Someday, I will have the family I long for…and this little glass of wine….WILL.NOT.MATTER.