The other night I cried my first tears in months. Lately, tears seldom find their way into my day to day life. More often than not, I feel numb to my emotions. At times, I experience frustration. At others, I feel apathy, an attempt to guard and protect my heart. But yet, two nights ago, I found that the emotions so deep within, stuffed down and difficult to face and reconcile couldn’t help but spill forth. As tear drops fell, soft wet spots formed on the pillow around my face. The room was dark and quietness encompassed us as we lay awake in bed. Me, trying to stifle back the sounds of tears. The quietness, broken at times, by our discussion. My husband and I were characterizing the depression that seems to be creeping into my life and overwhelming me at times. I am slowly losing my desire to be social, slowly losing the desire to work out or put much effort into being intentional with friends or plan outdoor activities in our beloved wilderness. Everything sounds like work. Too much work. I would rather sleep…sleep away the hours or read away my awake time while lost in a different world. Worlds full of adventure, imagination, and dreams brought to fruition.
I slowly realize why I am feeling this way…
Apart from the obvious, our infertility pilgrimage, is the feeling that I feel completely abandoned. I feel abandoned by my Lord. I am so hurt. Where is He? Does He hear my cries? Does He weep over my broken heart? Why won’t He allow me to feel more of His presence? Why won’t he give us more direction, more hope? How long will we have to endure this pain? Will there be relief?
In my mind’s eye, I reassure myself. I know that someday I will KNOW, wholeheartedly, that he has NEVER in fact abandoned me, NEVER forsaken me and has been/was with me the entire time. Right now, it’s hard for me to see that, hard for me to feel that.
For now, I struggle to keep believing that our IMPOSSIBLE will become POSSIBLE.