the journey continues…

…waiting…

WAITING…always some form of waiting.  This wait is an “O” wait!  When will it happen?  How will my subsequent IUI affect my schedule? Will I have to call out sick to work?  Will it fall on a day I am off?  What about my husband?  What sacrifices will he have to make to make it all happen?  This month we opted to not do the day 10 ultrasound and hcg trigger shot.  Too stressful coordinating our busy schedules.  I am SO tired of asking for days off for appointment after appointment.  It is tough.  Sometimes I wish I could take the entirety of the this TTC time off.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  Just be able to focus on being healthy, going to appointments…have sex at the right time…not being exhausted from a busy week at work.  Anyway, I would probably become depressed not working.  It’s a great distraction and I think it is good to stay busy.  An idle mind….never a good thing.

We got the cost break down for IVF.  The letter came in the mail last Friday.  The sun was out…and I figured having the warmth of the sun shine up on me might allow me to receive the news a little better.  So…we headed out to our deck and took the letter in…feet up on our lawn chairs.  At first it felt great….a step in the right direction.  We were thinking, at least we have a plan.  There is hope for us if these next 2 IUIs fail.  But as we got deeper in the paperwork, the burden we bear began to become heavier and heavier.  Soon our spirits felt unbelievably downcast and the feelings of defeat that are never far away once again invaded our hearts. Seriously?  We have to repeat so many of these tests?  So many more appointments.  So much money.  NO guarantees.  We live in a state where there is no mandatory law that IVF be covered.  For us, it will ALL be out of pocket.  We are big savers and are blessed that there is money enough to cover it should we have to walk this road…but that doesn’t make it any easier.  A process so simple, so innate, so necessary for life to prevail…and we are unable to do it.  Unable to achieve success in this one small act.

We avoided that letter all weekend.  I buried it in a stack of other papers.  I didn’t want to see it.  Didn’t want to face it.  I don’t want to do this.  I don’t want to have to go to such extreme measures to bring our precious babies into this world…but, it may be our only hope.  It’s so hard to accept it, swallow it and embrace it.

But as I have said so many times before, so often in previous posts.  For now, we wait.  We wait for that + OPK.  We wait to do our second to last IUI.  We wait on God.

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