Lately, I have been consumed with fighting a lurking, ever near bout of depression. It lies ready and waiting, waiting for me to give it a foothold. Ready to destroy me. It seeks to render me useless, denigrate my spirit and steal my joy. As a result, I have noticed I am having an increasingly difficult time recognizing or shall I say appreciating the blessed things, the wonderful things, the joyful things that are going on in my life. In my current bible study, we are encouraged to write down each evening the ways in which we have seen God move and work over the course of the day. Most nights I can’t think of any “God sightings” in my own life. Somehow, I can see His hand upon those around me…but mine? Not really.
And so I think, what is wrong with me? My vision is clouded, my ability to perceive the supernatural…gone, often without a trace.
Well, I am FIGHTING to regain my ground in this area. I am no victim of infertility. Infertility is ONLY going to make me a stronger, more beautiful, more compassionate individual. I will be better able to relate to people, better able to love people, better able to feel people’s hurts. I will know how to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those with rejoice. For I have walked the road of hopelessness. I have felt the pains of despair. I have experienced the inconsolable cries of a womb longing to bring for life from its depths.
My words to myself: Receive God’s love. May my eyes be opened and my heart be filled with JOY!
After all, I did get some GREAT news this morning! + OPK. YEAH! IUI # 4 will commence tomorrow.
I am so thankful for this. I will not have to call in sick to work…my husband and I can just fit it into our morning routine before a little brunch with friends. A gift from God. I am gaining ground.