I fret. I worry. I search. I wonder.
Last night, I allowed worry to ride in and over take me. I mean, it completely swept me up. Convinced that there is no way I am pregnant this month as I remain symptomless – desperation began to set in. 20 cycles of trying and failing under my belt, 4 IUIs perfectly timed, without results. Our window of hoping and seeking treatment slowly beginning to close, I frantically searched and scoured the internet for other possible reasons that might explain our diagnosis of “unexplained” infertility. Could it be an underlying auto-immune factor? Of course, there is always a possibility. For months, I have mulled this one over in the back of my mind.
Three years ago, I had this 9 month stent of hives that wasn’t allergen related. Rather, the allergist said they were related to an autoimmune reaction in my skin that was causing my own immune system to react to my body’s epithelial cells in my skin. I was on 4 different medications to keep them at bay. They were humiliating…my eye would out of the blue swell up while talking to patient. Within minutes, it would seem as if I had suffered a severe punch. These welts would appear all over my body. Day after day, they would aggressively appear. The slightest scratch of my skin would set them off.
And then…just like that, they were gone. I quit taking the medications and haven’t had a bout of hives in over 2 years.
…my other concern…my sister was diagnosed with celiac disease just over a year and a half ago. According to an article published in the American Family Physician in 1998, I have a 1 in 10 chance of also having Celiac Disease. That statistic supersedes even my chances of getting pregnant on any particular month. For months I have been considering getting it checked out, though it is not an easy workup, which is why I have waited. I have decided to bring it up at my “annual” this summer. We won’t even get into my GI symptoms that have long made me suspicious. You can imagine.
Together, this could just be me doing some unnecessary digging, bringing added worry to my life. Or it could be a real possibility. Will I dwell on it? No, there is really no point in doing that at this time. Yet, there has to be a reason for my inability to conceive. There is ALWAYS a reason. Whether or not this is it, sometimes I just need to know how far I am willing to take my quest to get pregnant. If our IUI this month and next month fails, we are planning to move on to IVF. At this point, I don’t think I could endure more than one attempt, especially since we are paying out of pocket. …but if some diagnosis were made, then it’s all up for grabs.
So, I ordered a book. Usually, I’m not too compulsive, but I decided to order it as it wasn’t available at my local library. We’ll see. It could have some real value to it…maybe not. But as we all know, we must learn to be our own advocates.
Here’s the book.
Yet, something unexpected happened in the middle of the night. At 2:50AM, I awoke to use the bathroom. As I was sitting there, I felt my God speaking to me…in a moment when he could finally get a few words in…when my mind and heart were silent…not fraught with worry or busy divising reasons why I could be infertile. He said,
Who are you to worry, you are not adding a single hour to your life. Trust me.
This is very similar to a passage in the bible that says (Mat 6:25-27)
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
It was a powerful moment…sitting there in my bathroom. Again, I am reminded. I am NOT in control. This is God’s story for my life. Try as I may to take the reigns, He’s got this one. Just like He has perfectly ordained and brought to fruition every other area of my life. I rarely have moments like this. Where I know it is Him speaking directly to me, in words that I can understand. My worry is not benefiting anyone, my situation, and certainly not my health and ability to conceive.
My story, His story for my life is perfect and beautiful…I am just at a dramatic twist in the plot…but it will work out and will one day take my breath away.
Auto-immune issues? Maybe. For now…I will just keep walking.