Today marks the last official day of this cycle.  Tomorrow I am expecting CD1 to make its move, and once again come front and center.  Sometimes, I just can’t even acknowledge AF and the disappointment she brings…so right now…I’m calling it CD1…just giving it a number.

Whatever you gotta do to deal, right?

I am teetering on the edge of peace.  Desperation and the deluge of disappointment that always awaits me at the start of each cycle are just around the corner.  I don’t WANT it to ruin my weekend.  I have already given too many days, too many countless hours to its overwhelming presence.  And then there are other burdens that will need to be revisited as well.  With this start means a phone call to the RE to schedule the CD 3 blood draws and U/S that they want to redo in preparation for IVF.  Redo because they want their OWN.  The ones from my OB/GYNs office are not suffice.  I have been completely successful in putting off any thoughts about the RE and IVF for most of this cycle.  It was causing a great deal of stress for me early on.  So I decided enough is enough.  We’ll cross that bridge when/if I start my next cycle.

And here I am…

Have there been plausible symptoms, of course.  But how much of that is my imaginative mind desperate to be with child?  I thought this was OUR cycle.  Perfect timing, perfect attempts, sperm no longer weighed down by extraneous molecules that made penetration of the egg impossible.  Of course I felt hopeful.  We have clung to belief, believing that the impossible is POSSIBLE.  Randomly, this month, a few of our friends and family members have shared that through their own prayers for us that they have felt God telling them to “believe”… just as he has been telling us.  It has been very encouraging to receive this message from so many sources. Also, our pastor’s wife, a dear, dear woman to us both even told me last week that she had just about finished my baby blanket because she knew it would be happening soon.  I was completely overwhelmed by her love and support of us.

And then I had my “do not worry” moment with God in the bathroom the other night.  Ok, God, you’ve asked me to quit worrying…where are you?  What are you doing?  Please HELP me to not worry.  Please HELP me to trust you.

So there it is. I teeter and totter between peace and disappointment.  Anticipation of the inevitable, good times.

Oh what joy it would be if we were pregnant…

God, may YOUR peace be with me.  NO matter what.


5 thoughts on “Teeter-Totter

  1. I feel your pain; I’ve been there too. I know how much it sucks, how you wish you could just crawl away from it. I’m sorry it’s been such a terrible day. Sending hugs from a stranger (((((hugs))))))))

    • Emily, thank you so much for your hugs and empathy. It’s sooo true…I just want to run away from it all! Move…get away…crawl. Anything. : ( Some day it will all come together! Thanks for reading and responding to my post! Means so much to me!

      • You’re so welcome—some days these simple words can mean more than anyone could imagine. And you’re right, someday it will all come together. Here’s to a better day and a hopeful heart!

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