Finding FAitH.

Finding faith.

Faith has not come so easily to me over the last few weeks.  I have felt abandoned by my God.  Where is he?  Does he have my best in mind?  How can bringing forth a child of our own NOT be a part of his plan for us?  Why does it have to be so hard?

Honestly, sometimes I am so thankful…maybe even ALWAYS thankful that we live in a time and age where our Science is so advanced that we infertile women can sometimes overcome our barrenness and have children of our own.  Of course, who gets credit for the brilliance of our Scientists?  God.  But nonetheless, why does it have to be like this?  I feel so sad for the countless women throughout history and in our present age who have had to live without the blessing of children.  I think about the repercussions in different cultures and at different points in time where barrenness was the curse of all curses.  Often, a life destined for loneliness.  So many women have walked through painful stories of their own, full of endless suffering and regret as you were despised and, for many, left by your husband whilst shunned by family and community.

Though the shame and emptiness is just as real today, we can put our faith in the hands of Science and hope for a different outcome.  Hope that our bodies will cooperate and respond to the treatment, bringing new life where only hollow grief was once found.

I want to believe God.  I want it to come easily.  I want to have FAITH to believe that the impossible is possible for us.  I want to put my hope in him and believe in his beautiful plan for our lives.  …but really, God, Science?  Is it really YOUR will for us to use Science to make our dream a reality?  Why?

…and what about the women who can’t afford to reach out to the miracles of Science and give their own barrenness a chance at deliverance?   This BREAKS my heart!   How can it be, God?  Won’t you come through for them?  If I was a millionaire, I would start a charity for just this purpose.  To bring life and hope into the lives of barren women.  I SO wish I could.  I can’t imagine a greater heartache, a deeper desire then that for a child.  It’s certainly biblical, as I have pointed out before.  (One of my all time favorite posts and an explanation for the deep sorrow we infertile people experience.)

Today, I am yet without answers.  I push onward, knowing that Jesus alone is the source of my faith.  Try as I may to dig it up within myself – I will fail.  But, if I can somehow just keep surrendering my plight and loneliness to him, he will reveal himself, for he is already working in the midst of my story.  Open my eyes that I may see.  Help me that I can help others find their own faith in you too.  For you are rich in mercy.  In you can be found perfect peace.  I want those things.  I want others to find those things.

Help us find faith.

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16 thoughts on “Finding FAitH.

  1. As sad as this post is, it, like all of God’s work, has a purpose. If you had not been feeling this way, you may not have written this post. And, if you had not written it at the very moment that you did, then I, an otherwise total stranger to you, would not have read it. And, I have been overwhelmed by a great empathy for you. I suspect that I will never forget this experience. Thank you…, forever.

    • Wow, what a beautiful and heartfelt response. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. It means more to me than I could ever possibly express and I find it very encouraging. Evidence that God is working in my story, somehow….often in unseen ways, and many times, using it in the lives of others. A true gift. Thank you and blessings upon blessings to you.

  2. What a lovely post and so well-written. I can relate completely. I’d like to believe that He has a special plan for us. One that is more amazing than anything we’ve dreamed of so far. It’s just so difficult when you’re in the middle of all this, wondering why…how…when. It just doesn’t seem fair to have to go through so much. I try to imagine the day when He does give us that precious gift of a child and how miraculous it will feel. I strongly believe He would not place this desire in our hearts if it was not meant to be fulfilled
    (Hopefully it won’t be much longer though) 🙂
    Hugs!

    • You are SOOO sweet. I am SOOO beyond thankful to have found your blog and our new found blog friendship. You are very encouraging to me and I am just so thankful to meet someone else who is battling through endo and immune issues. I hope we get our precious gifts really, really soon! We are going to be AMAZING moms! Without a doubt!!!

  3. As so many times before you have written what I have been asking myself (and God) for the last few days. I have been debating a post very much like this one but just don’t believe that I could have done as beautiful a job as you did here. I have ask a lot of “what ifs” to face in the next few months.I’m not sure how to have faith when the “what if” decisions could determine if we have a child or not. I don’t want to say “no” to something that could help us but I’m wondering if that could really be God’s will for us. It’s so good to know others feel the same way as I do because I often feel like I’m just over analyzing or just being silly. Then I ask myself if pursuing science to help us become pregnant means I don’t have faith in God and His perfect plan for our lives. I’m not sure how to answer that? I’m praying for faith, for both of us. *hugs*

    • You are TOO sweet. Thank you so much for your comment. It means the world to me and is so validating. Sometimes, I feel bad about how my faith has faultered through this. Deep down, I know that God is still there, walking with me through this…one step at a time. But I find it SO hard to discern his will through all of this. I hope we have our little miracles so very soon! Blessings to you!

  4. I’ve thought often of how infertile people must have felt before the advent of procedures like IVF, people whose only alternative would have been adoption. Sometimes it makes me question whether the natural ability to have a child isn’t actually something that is meant to be overcome by all the science we now have available. But then when I feel that bone-deep, incessant, urgent desire to have my own biological child, I don’t doubt for a second that I will continue to try using as much of this medicine and technology that I can. Any way to make it come true.

    • I know, right? I used to feel the same way a few years ago as I watched my best friend go through infertility. Deep down I would wonder if it was all worth given the toll it was taking on her emotional health. I never fully comprehended what she was going through until I shared a similar fate…and now it all makes sense.

  5. Happy ICLW

    I love this post. I have many of the same thoughts as you about the whole thing. Most of the time I have faith, but some days its hard to keep it together.

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