Faith has not come so easily to me over the last few weeks. I have felt abandoned by my God. Where is he? Does he have my best in mind? How can bringing forth a child of our own NOT be a part of his plan for us? Why does it have to be so hard?
Honestly, sometimes I am so thankful…maybe even ALWAYS thankful that we live in a time and age where our Science is so advanced that we infertile women can sometimes overcome our barrenness and have children of our own. Of course, who gets credit for the brilliance of our Scientists? God. But nonetheless, why does it have to be like this? I feel so sad for the countless women throughout history and in our present age who have had to live without the blessing of children. I think about the repercussions in different cultures and at different points in time where barrenness was the curse of all curses. Often, a life destined for loneliness. So many women have walked through painful stories of their own, full of endless suffering and regret as you were despised and, for many, left by your husband whilst shunned by family and community.
Though the shame and emptiness is just as real today, we can put our faith in the hands of Science and hope for a different outcome. Hope that our bodies will cooperate and respond to the treatment, bringing new life where only hollow grief was once found.
I want to believe God. I want it to come easily. I want to have FAITH to believe that the impossible is possible for us. I want to put my hope in him and believe in his beautiful plan for our lives. …but really, God, Science? Is it really YOUR will for us to use Science to make our dream a reality? Why?
…and what about the women who can’t afford to reach out to the miracles of Science and give their own barrenness a chance at deliverance? This BREAKS my heart! How can it be, God? Won’t you come through for them? If I was a millionaire, I would start a charity for just this purpose. To bring life and hope into the lives of barren women. I SO wish I could. I can’t imagine a greater heartache, a deeper desire then that for a child. It’s certainly biblical, as I have pointed out before. (One of my all time favorite posts and an explanation for the deep sorrow we infertile people experience.)
Today, I am yet without answers. I push onward, knowing that Jesus alone is the source of my faith. Try as I may to dig it up within myself – I will fail. But, if I can somehow just keep surrendering my plight and loneliness to him, he will reveal himself, for he is already working in the midst of my story. Open my eyes that I may see. Help me that I can help others find their own faith in you too. For you are rich in mercy. In you can be found perfect peace. I want those things. I want others to find those things.
Help us find faith.