I don’t even know where to start. These past 9 days have been a faith building exercise. Learning to trust, learning to wait. Lessons that seem to reappear time and time again in my life. This past week and a half was no exception.
On 3dp5dt transfer I had my only “symptom” of a possible impending pregnancy. I felt a few quick, sharp stabbing pains in my left flank. I also experienced a few brief cramps with the intensity of my uterus feeling like it was being wrung out like a wet rag. That was it. Other than that, I have felt 100% completely normal. Though I guess this is not a surprise as I have not really experienced any side effects of any of the medications throughout this IVF cycle. The only thing I had was a little nipple tenderness with my high estrogen levels prior to retrieval. Nonetheless, it began to make me nervous, I scoured people’s blogs and the internet…should I be feeling more? I worried and I fretted…but then I remembered, every story is different, there are plenty of people who don’t feel pregnant for weeks. I realized, once again, that this WHOLE thing is out of my control and that all I could do was keep trusting God, keep walking, and keep hoping.
My husband and I decided that we would test early. I figured I would rather ease into whatever is ahead. If it’s negative, I wanted to begin to prepare myself slowly. I figured that would be easier for me to shoulder than waiting until beta day with all the stress and anxiety of finally getting to that day only to find out it was negative. We took our first test last Saturday at 6dp5dt. After peeing on the stick, I quickly dismissed it as soon as I saw the control line appear without the slightest mark on the test line, assumed it was negative and jumped in the shower. Perhaps in hopes to convince and prepare my own heart, I had reminded my husband prior to taking the test that it was too early and that it would probably be negative. Nonetheless, in the shower, my heart sank and I prayed that God would give me the strength to handle this whole thing if it didn’t work. Lo and behold, upon getting out of the shower, I looked at the test and there it was…a faint pink line. The first I have ever seen in our 20 months of TTC. My husband could hardly believe it. I thought back to all the encouraging posts I have seen of women with pee sticks that started out faint and slowly grew darker. Where would this go? Could this be it? Was it still possible the hcg trigger shot was still in me? It had been 13 days since we had had our trigger shot. Only time would tell. So we kept waiting and continued living. We prayed and prayed and prayed to our faithful God who is sovereign whom we knew had the perfect plan for our lives.
The next day the test was positive AGAIN! We decided there must be something wrong with these cheap 88 cent Walmart test sticks and dug in the bathroom closet for our one and only digital pregnancy test. This would tell us for SURE that we weren’t pregnant, I just knew it. That’s all they had ever shown us. A big, fat emotionless NOT PREGNANT. But within a minute I realized it had left out the NOT and only the word PREGNANT had appeared on the screen. Could it be true?
Well, our line continued to darken yesterday and this morning. I went in for my beta at 8am and waited 5.5 agonizing hours for my clinic to let me the know the results. Finally at 1:30pm my Doctor called to let me know that I was PREGNANT. He told me that they had all been fighting over who would get to call me with my results and that he won the fight because he is the oldest. I thought that was SOOO sweet. I didn’t expect him to call at all, as the lab tech told me this morning that she is the one who typically calls with results!
Our beta was 98.4! We are so excited about this number but also a little nervous. I hope it is high enough, I guess we’ll know in a few days. I just gotta keep the faith! It all comes back to that for me.
We feel extremely humbled and are in complete shock right now. We feel beyond blessed but are also experiencing a great deal of what I am calling “survivor” guilt until I can figure out a better term. We don’t feel like we deserve this amazing outcome with so many still in the trenches. Our hearts break for everyone battling infertility and we want everyone to get their joyous results too. Also, I am all to aware of our how delicate this pregnancy is and will just have to wait and watch and keep trusting and praying that God will bring it to fruition. I will never forget the road that has led me here and those that have journeyed with me. Thank you for your support, your care and all your prayers.
I will keep you posted with our next results on Thursday.