Battle scars. When will I settle in? 9w4d pregnant.

I wish I was able to let go and get excited about this pregnancy.  I wish I could experience the resounding JOY of a first time mom.  I wish I could DREAM about nurseries and bonding with my baby and dwell on our sweet future together.  I think about these things, but do I DREAM?

Instead, I feel cautious.  I am SO happy to be pregnant, so blessed to finally be in this place, but it is NOT the bliss I would have always thought it would be.  Leading up to my first ultrasound, I was nervous, my mind fraught with anxiety.  When could I OWN this pregnancy?  When would I settle into it?  When would I just ENJOY being pregnant everyday?  The ultrasound came and went and though I worry so much less now about whether or not it is real, I have to admit that I have yet to settle into it.  Yet, to wake up in the morning, overcome with feelings of joy and elation that we are PREGNANT.  In my heart I am so thankful and praise God each and every day for this little miracle.  I have been researching baby gear and look forward to putting together a nursery, but I still find myself…well, numb.

This numbness of mine has resulted from so many months of battling with infertility.  Unmet expectations, broken dreams, waiting, enduring, hoping, and so much failing.  A relentless cycle that has left my soul forever changed, my heart hardened.  As the months turned into a year + many months, more and more I began to protect myself.  I worked hard to keep the pieces of my life together.  I went into full on self-protection mode and was able to give very little to those in my life and in my community.  Month after month, I continued to reach out, clinging to any hope I could find in God, Google, or some new treatment plan.  Time and time again, failure.  After a while, I grew calloused, I had to find a way to cope with infertility and no longer allow it to own me.  I had to find a way to rid it of the power it had over me and find myself again.

Well, new life has begun in me and with it, I am trying to restore my heart.  As I learn more about myself and how I respond to pregnancy, I realize just how much work there is yet to be done.  This journey is far from over.  I want to feel again, to LIVE in the moment again.  I want to enjoy each and every moment of this pregnancy and this beautiful baby that is growing in side of me.  I don’t want my past to determine my future. I realize that infertility has shaped me in countless ways for the better of my future family.  I want my children to have a mom who feels their pain and disappointments, who laughs at their sweet jokes, and whom can cry when necessary.

I will regain my soft heart…one day I may even wear it on my sleeve again.  In the meantime, I just thank God for this amazing privilege of finally working towards becoming a mom.  A dream I had all but given up just a few short months ago.  I hope I can find myself settling in soon and I hope that this baby in my belly is in our life to stay.

 

***

I had written this post last night and then thought I should sleep on it before posting it.  Part of me feels guilty for the feeling the way I do, for not being OVER the MOON excited.  But then, as I logged in to my Word Press account this morning, one of my dear blogging friends, Chanel, just found out yesterday that her baby had no heartbeat. This was her second U/S.  She had had a fabulous one just a few weeks ago.  Chanel and I received our BFP within days of eachother and so I have felt a special connection towards her and this baby.  I am heartbroken and so very sad for her and it just serves as another reminder of just how hard this journey really is.  There are no guarantees once receiving that long awaited BFP.  Please send her some LOVE!

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14 thoughts on “Battle scars. When will I settle in? 9w4d pregnant.

  1. I’m sorry to hear about your friend!! I just came across this in my feed and wanted to tell you to never feel guilty about the way you feel, it’s okay!!! I hid my feelings during my first pregnancy (of feeling a little blue) and REALLY wished I’d talked to someone (anyone!) about it instead of keeping it to myself…even though I felt guilty for feeling sad- my friends and blogging community let me know that it was indeed OKAY and that feels pretty good! Congratulations on your pregnancy and I wish you the very best!!
    -Bell
    http://www.birminghambell.com

    • Oh, Bell, you are too sweet. Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I feel so guilty about it sometimes and sad that I’m not always on the up and up about this pregnancy. It is so nice to know that I’m not the only one who has felt this way before and that it is okay and that it doesn’t mean that I will love my baby any less or be any less of a mom! I really needed to read your comment. Thank you so, so much!

      • I would’ve sent you an email but I didn’t see a button to! I literally just wrote about being depressed maybe 1 weeks ago! It isn’t exactly like your journey but maybe some of the feelings are mutual if you want to check it out and know you’re definitely not alone in having not so happy thoughts in such a happy time! The post is called “The Pits” lol

  2. That is soooo sad about your friend 😦 Gosh, why does it have to be so hard?! Your feelings are totally understandable. Most women with infertility seem to feel that way. It’s almost like it’s too good to be true/real after all the struggles to get there. Then you have to guard your heart. It’s scary. I’ll be praying for you! I just know this is your take home baby ❤ I hope it gets better in time. *hugs*

    • Thank you for your prayers. I wish it weren’t so. It’s so hard to admit and I feel bad that I am not jumping for joy each and every minute…but being involved in this community, it seems that one good ultrasound isn’t always enough. Nonetheless, I just want to be grateful..each and every day and not be consumed by the worry or what ifs. Can’t wait to read another UPDATE from you! Been thinking about you all weekend. I’m hoping you get a wonderful beta to confirm that you are PREGNANT!!! Sending HUGS to you!

  3. Isn’t is so confusing all the thoughts and emotions going through your head??? I’m so jealous of people that never have to know the real nightmares that can occur in trying to get/stay pregnant. I can go from really excited to scared and sad in about 30 seconds. Hope you can slowly begin to enjoy this pregnancy and believe that you will continue to have a very healthy pregnancy. Thinking of you!!

    • It’s soooo true. The innocence is gone. We know too much, have seen too much, and have lived through so much ourselves! I think maybe another ultrasound or two will really help me! At least that is what I am hoping for. I’m SOOOOOOOO happy YOU are PREGNANT!!! So, so happy for you!!! Hope you are feeling good this weekend! HUGS!

  4. So sorry for your friend, sending her lots of virtual (((HUGS))).

    I understand completely where you are coming from. I am currently 12w6d and we had our complete fetal assessment last week, so we know baby is ok and we are ‘safe’ but I still cant relax 😦 We have even started telling friends and colleagues to make it more real, but, because of all we went through to get here, I am not sure we will ever fully relax until our baby is in our arms.

    I was so sure that, once I got my BFP, I would be the happiest gal in the world and just enjoy every minute, but I find myself living scan to scan and, when waiting for the scan I am completely terrified! I also had a cycle buddy who was 3 days ahead of me, whose babies heart stopped at 6 weeks, then I had a scare at 7 weeks and so I am sure that that hasn’t helped…we joked that we long for the fertiles’ “blissful ignorance” and wish there was a way to buy a men in black memory wipe. I am sure it will get easier when I am more obviously pregnant (at the moment I keep checking my boobs and asking hubby if they still look pregnant!!) and then when I feel baby moving, until then though, I try to stay off google and keep busy until my next scan!!

    I am sorry for going on, I have neglected my blog somewhat over the past 5 weeks, so just logged on to update and your post came up in my feed (I subscribe to an infertility feed) and it struck a chord.

    Best of luck for a happy and healthy 30 or so weeks and wishing you lots of ignorant bliss!!

    Bok x

    • You are sooo sweet. Thank you for your comment and your affirmation. I really needed to read this today! I relate to each and everything you said. It is SO hard for me that cycle buddies of mine have lost their babies and I am still here…waiting for my U/S…I often wonder…is my baby still alive, do I just not know any differently? I try not to go there. I try to be positive and keep up the faith that this pregnancy is healthy, but if I am honest with myself, those thoughts are definitely there…whispers in my mind, but there. It is so hard to admit these things out loud. Thank you again so much for sharing and I’m soooo happy to hear you had a great 12 week scan! What a huge milestone. I am really looking forward to that one. Like you said, I think the worrying will continue until we have that reassurance of movement. I can’t wait for that day!

      As for “blissful ignorance”, I love the idea of a MIB memory eraser! That sounds wonderful! : 0 ) I suppose these memories will benefit us in the long run. I’m hoping they will make us that much more thankful for these babies and the joy that it is to have them in our arms one day.

      Take care and hugs to you!!!

  5. I’m saying a prayer for Chanel. Such heartbreaking news.
    I believe it will get easier for you to settle in as more time passes in your healthy pregnancy, even if it’s difficult to ever feel 100% confident. I’m just starting to let go of some of the fear at 15 weeks. Embracing our joy is what we deserve after all of the pain of IF! I hope you are able to get there soon, guilt free and happy!

    • I hope so too!!! I’m so glad to hear you are letting go and embracing your pregnancy. For me, hearing stories like Chanel’s just make me more fearful and sad…and then I wonder if my pregnancy is still healthy or do I just not know something because I haven’t had another U/S? A horrible cycle to get into, so I am trying to not let my mind go there. I just gotta let it go and trust that things are still coming along. Thank you for your encouragement. I so appreciate it!

  6. OH Danielle, I’m so sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time letting go. And to hear about Chanel. I have wanted to comment on this since you posted it but have hesitated because I really don’t know what to say here. Part of me wants to remind you of God’s greatness and to just have faith, but the other part of me knows how hard that is to hear when you feel like you are. So let me just tell you I’ve been praying for you and your little baby and I hope things continue to go great with your pregnancy and that your emotions turn a corner for the better very soon so you can be happy. You deserve it! HUGS!!!

    • Thank you sooo much! I know it is so hard to know what to say. It was so hard to admit all this on my blog. I really am doing well…and am happy to be pregnant, I think I am still just feeling a little cautious about the whole thing. I am really hoping time will help and a few more ultrasounds. I am thankful God is in control and I know what He means to be, will be! Has has my best in mind. It has just been such a long journey to get here and I just want it all to come to fruition. Infertility has taught me to protect my heart (for better or worse), yet I am in confident that in time I will be able to give my whole heart to this precious little one. Thank you sooo much for all your prayers. They mean so much to me!!!! HUGS to YOU too!

  7. I know this is an old post, but I just wanted to relay something my mom once told me when I thought I was miscarrying. She said that no matter what happens, right now, in this very moment, you are this baby’s mommy. And nothing will ever, ever change that! That doesn’t take away the fear for the future, but it does give comfort in the present 🙂

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