I wish I was able to let go and get excited about this pregnancy. I wish I could experience the resounding JOY of a first time mom. I wish I could DREAM about nurseries and bonding with my baby and dwell on our sweet future together. I think about these things, but do I DREAM?
Instead, I feel cautious. I am SO happy to be pregnant, so blessed to finally be in this place, but it is NOT the bliss I would have always thought it would be. Leading up to my first ultrasound, I was nervous, my mind fraught with anxiety. When could I OWN this pregnancy? When would I settle into it? When would I just ENJOY being pregnant everyday? The ultrasound came and went and though I worry so much less now about whether or not it is real, I have to admit that I have yet to settle into it. Yet, to wake up in the morning, overcome with feelings of joy and elation that we are PREGNANT. In my heart I am so thankful and praise God each and every day for this little miracle. I have been researching baby gear and look forward to putting together a nursery, but I still find myself…well, numb.
This numbness of mine has resulted from so many months of battling with infertility. Unmet expectations, broken dreams, waiting, enduring, hoping, and so much failing. A relentless cycle that has left my soul forever changed, my heart hardened. As the months turned into a year + many months, more and more I began to protect myself. I worked hard to keep the pieces of my life together. I went into full on self-protection mode and was able to give very little to those in my life and in my community. Month after month, I continued to reach out, clinging to any hope I could find in God, Google, or some new treatment plan. Time and time again, failure. After a while, I grew calloused, I had to find a way to cope with infertility and no longer allow it to own me. I had to find a way to rid it of the power it had over me and find myself again.
Well, new life has begun in me and with it, I am trying to restore my heart. As I learn more about myself and how I respond to pregnancy, I realize just how much work there is yet to be done. This journey is far from over. I want to feel again, to LIVE in the moment again. I want to enjoy each and every moment of this pregnancy and this beautiful baby that is growing in side of me. I don’t want my past to determine my future. I realize that infertility has shaped me in countless ways for the better of my future family. I want my children to have a mom who feels their pain and disappointments, who laughs at their sweet jokes, and whom can cry when necessary.
I will regain my soft heart…one day I may even wear it on my sleeve again. In the meantime, I just thank God for this amazing privilege of finally working towards becoming a mom. A dream I had all but given up just a few short months ago. I hope I can find myself settling in soon and I hope that this baby in my belly is in our life to stay.
I had written this post last night and then thought I should sleep on it before posting it. Part of me feels guilty for the feeling the way I do, for not being OVER the MOON excited. But then, as I logged in to my Word Press account this morning, one of my dear blogging friends, Chanel, just found out yesterday that her baby had no heartbeat. This was her second U/S. She had had a fabulous one just a few weeks ago. Chanel and I received our BFP within days of eachother and so I have felt a special connection towards her and this baby. I am heartbroken and so very sad for her and it just serves as another reminder of just how hard this journey really is. There are no guarantees once receiving that long awaited BFP. Please send her some LOVE!