9dp5dt. Beta Results. Pregnant!

I don’t even know where to start.  These past 9 days have been a faith building exercise.  Learning to trust, learning to wait.  Lessons that seem to reappear time and time again in my life.  This past week and a half was no exception.

On 3dp5dt transfer I had my only “symptom” of a possible impending pregnancy.  I felt a few quick, sharp stabbing pains in my left flank. I also experienced a few brief cramps with the intensity of my uterus feeling like it was being wrung out like a wet rag.  That was it.   Other than that, I have felt 100% completely normal.  Though I guess this is not a surprise as I have not really experienced any side effects of any of the medications throughout this IVF cycle.  The only thing I had was a little nipple tenderness with my high estrogen levels prior to retrieval.  Nonetheless, it began to make me nervous, I scoured people’s blogs and the internet…should I be feeling more?  I worried and I fretted…but then I remembered, every story is different, there are plenty of people who don’t feel pregnant for weeks.  I realized, once again, that this WHOLE thing is out of my control and that all I could do was keep trusting God, keep walking, and keep hoping.

My husband and I decided that we would test early.  I figured I would rather ease into whatever is ahead.  If it’s negative, I wanted to begin to prepare myself slowly.  I figured that would be easier for me to shoulder than waiting until beta day with all the stress and anxiety of finally getting to that day only to find out it was negative.  We took our first test last Saturday at 6dp5dt.  After  peeing on the stick, I quickly dismissed it as soon as I saw the control line appear without the slightest mark on the test line, assumed it was negative and jumped in the shower.   Perhaps in hopes to convince and prepare my own heart, I had reminded my husband prior to taking the test that it was too early and that it would probably be negative.  Nonetheless, in the shower, my heart sank and I prayed that God would give me the strength to handle this whole thing if it didn’t work.  Lo and behold, upon getting out of the shower, I looked at the test and there it was…a faint pink line.  The first I have ever seen in our 20 months of TTC.  My husband could hardly believe it.  I thought back to all the encouraging posts I have seen of women with pee sticks that started out faint and slowly grew darker.  Where would this go?  Could this be it? Was it still possible the hcg trigger shot was still in me?  It had been 13 days since we had had our trigger shot.  Only time would tell.  So we kept waiting and continued living.  We prayed and prayed and prayed to our faithful God who is sovereign whom we knew had the perfect plan for our lives.

The next day the test was positive AGAIN!  We decided there must be something wrong with these cheap 88 cent Walmart test sticks and dug in the bathroom closet for our one and only digital pregnancy test.  This would tell us for SURE that we weren’t pregnant, I just knew it.  That’s all they had ever shown us.  A big, fat emotionless NOT PREGNANT.  But within a minute I realized it had left out the NOT and only the word PREGNANT had appeared on the screen.  Could it be true?

Well, our line continued to darken yesterday and this morning.  I went in for my beta at 8am and waited 5.5 agonizing hours for my clinic to let me the know the results. Finally at 1:30pm my Doctor called to let me know that I was PREGNANT.  He told me that they had all been fighting over who would get to call me with my results and that he won the fight because he is the oldest.  I thought that was SOOO sweet.  I didn’t expect him to call at all, as the lab tech told me this morning that she is the one who typically calls with results!

Our beta was 98.4!  We are so excited about this number but also a little nervous.  I hope it is high enough, I guess we’ll know in a few days.  I just gotta keep the faith!  It all comes back to that for me.

We feel extremely humbled and are in complete shock right now.  We feel beyond blessed but are also experiencing a great deal of what I am calling “survivor” guilt until I can figure out a better term.  We don’t feel like we deserve this amazing outcome with so many still in the trenches.  Our hearts break for everyone battling infertility and we want everyone to get their joyous results too.  Also, I am all to aware of our how delicate this pregnancy is and will just have to wait and watch and keep trusting and praying that God will bring it to fruition.   I will never forget the road that has led me here and those that have journeyed with me.  Thank you for your support, your care and all your prayers.

I will keep you posted with our next results on Thursday.

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A Victory in spite of Adversity

Over the last month, I have laid low.  I have been very careful about my blogging.  Prior to my trip to Europe, I found fertility consuming my everything thought, my waking breath, my entire world.  It left me feeling drained and depleted.  Only in slumber could I escape its devouring grip on my life.  I knew something needed to change.  For months, I have longed to figure out how I could transform the pattern of my thoughts and the dwelling place of my heart.  As we departed for France, our burdens momentarily eased, the rains cleared for the first time in months and I realized that the answer for me was simple.  If I hoped to change the environment of my being, then I had to change those things that both stimulate and nurture (for better or worse) these fertile (or perhaps infertile more like it) soils of mine.  What is that answer?  Scripture memorization!  For me it was as simple as that.  God says it works.  I have heard countless testimonies of the power of scripture to transforms lives.  I have heard these truths for years.  Yet, I have been reluctant to do it myself.  It started in Europe.  My husband and I picked out a few verses from our reading of the Bible.

“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance that we should do.” Ephesians 2:10

It has slowly evolved from there.  Over the past month, I have walked in VICTORY!  For the first time in the last year and a half, I am not holding the reigns.  Let me clarify, I have released the reigns of this journey to my Maker.  He has a plan for this.  There is beauty in the ashes.

Somehow over the last few months, I began to allow my blogging world to have a little too much control over me.  I began taking on others stories and projecting them into my own life.  Their miscarriages, their misfortunes, their failed IVF cycles, their complications of pregnancy became future ones of my own.  A month prior to even starting our first IVF cycle, I had already disqualified our upcoming cycle certain of miscarriage or a canceled cycle due to a cyst or SOMETHING.  I weep with those who weep.  I am quick to carry the burdens of friends and family and care deeply for them.  But owning their troubles as my own is a whole different story.  I am called to love others, to pray for others…and yes, to even carry their burdens.  But their burdens are not for me to own, they are not for me to give over power to. There are lessons to be learned from others, but their lessons cannot own our own.  I realized that I had yet again failed to confront my own journey, failed to look it square in the face and embrace it for what it was…MY STORY!  The redemptive story of God moving in my life for His glory.  I have been careful to write, careful to read.  Instead, I am learning to dwell on my Jesus.  Dwell on the fact that he has a plan for me through all of this.  I don’t want to miss what he is up to and what he is doing because I am so busy looking all around me that I forget to look up.

I offer him my life.  I am thankful for what infertility has accomplished through me.  I am thankful for its testimony in my life.  I am thankful for the hardships and the heartache along the way.  I am thankful for the woman it is making me.  I am thankful to have the opportunity to learn such rich life lessons.  AND and I am SO thankful for all of those that I have met along the way.  There will be more challenges ahead and much more adversity in my life.  Hardships that will break me, journeys that will further define me and test my spirit.  My only prayer is that He will help me to live with reckless abandonment for HIM alone.