our FORK is coming…

Time is ticking away. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

An old song…stuck in my head seems so relevant today.  In a few short days, I will be starting clomid again and so will begin our final two months of our infertility plan.  2 more IUIs, 2 more months.  That’s it.  Beyond that is the unknown, the gray…the difficult to discern.  At that point, the arduous task of determining the next step will commence.  We will have reached our fork in the road and will have to decide to either pursue adoption or do IVF.

Also, today officially marks the end of our waiting season.  Our efforts to get pregnant and pursue infertility treatments have been on hold since our appointment with the RE on February 1st.  Well, the 65 days have now passed.  Perhaps our waiting will pay off.  Maybe our sperm will now find it in them to meet that egg, now uninhibited by chemicals that once made their one God-given task impossible.

But wait, you say…why so short a window of opportunity for yourselves…why only 2 months?  Why not give it more time?  But to you, I ask…how much time do you allow?  How much longer does one endure the pain of waiting, wondering…will it be THIS month?  Will this be OUR month?  It digs deep, it is a hope consuming process and it takes all the strength that one can muster, all the dependency that one can place on their Savior, to trust, to keep walking and to find the courage to hope each month.  So, we are giving ourselves 2 more months.  2 more treated months to give ourselves the best shot.  If the sperm are working, then we will give them every possible chance of success.  If not, we need to think about moving forward.

When we started this whole journey, I figured it would only be a matter of months before we were able to get pregnant.  As the months have turned into a year and the year has turned into a year plus many months, we are slowly reaching our end point. I still have so many ethical questions about IVF.  I just can’t stand to think about our embryos…frozen in a clinic…waiting for a family life, for a warm bed and cozy hugs from mom and dad.  I’m not sure I could give them up for embryo adoption and I certainly would never give them over to science.  Would there even be extra embryos?  What we would do with them?  How many children we would be willing to have?  I could go on and on…how many would survive the FREEZE, how many would survive the THAW?  These are things that plan as you may, they are all big IFs.  There is no certainty we would even have extra embryos, and definitely none that IVF would even work for us – which is extremely scary to think about.  I think either step…adoption or IVF will be a huge step with many unknown risks either way.

Nonetheless, today I celebrate the passing season of this one particular waiting period.  There are so many more, but this is one small victory and I’m grateful to have made it to the other side.  Now if only I could cling to some of that hope I felt when we first discovered this news…I want to believe that this really could be it.

To believe.  That is what I am committing the next few months of my devotional time.  Believing GOD!  More on that later…