Beautiful life: A eulogy to our unborn child

WARNING:  Graphic content related to miscarriage

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Tonight we buried our little baby.  No longer than the finger nail of my pinky, opaque and beautiful.  Nothing could have prepared me for the emotion I would feel when I saw that little formed body just beneath the translucent sac that had once developed to nurture it and protect it.  It was obvious when I passed the gestational sac earlier this evening.  There it lay, surrounded in the soft cushion of my uterine lining.  I had been waiting for it all day.  Early this morning, I had taken the misoprostol.  I was hopeful that everything would pass with a single dose but didn’t know when or how it would go.  Mostly I have been emotionally numb since learning this past Wednesday that there was no longer a heartbeat and that our baby had died.  But my emotions ripped to the surface as I held this little life between my fingers.  I went and grabbed my husband and he too was shaken out of his own numbness.  This was it.  This was the little life we have been praying for, hoping for, and loving for so long.  This is the little life that had already been through so much.  Created via IVF almost two years and then frozen for most of that tme.  After a short thaw in April, it had quickly found a snug little home deep inside me where it grew as best it could.  Within weeks of it making its home within me, it endured uncontrollable retching, it’s mother with acute appendicitis and subsequent surgery.  Somehow it endured.  It would seem that so many would give up on this precious being two weeks later when an initial ultrasound revealed no heartbeat.  We were told to stop our medications, that it was pointless, that the pregnancy wasn’t viable.  Instead, we held out for a miracle and waited.  This little embryo defied all odds and continued to grow over the following week.  5 days later, at our ultrasound that was meant to confirm death, instead showed a beautiful little life with a steady heartbeat.  We celebrated the miraculous and praised God for this tiny person.  In the end, it wasn’t meant to be.  At least not on this side of heaven.  We trust and believe with all our hearts that this little life is dancing with Jesus.  We find comfort in the knowledge that he already knows LOVE truer and deeper than any found here on earth.  This little life waits to be reunited with his earthly family, for the only family he has known.  But he waits with strength and courage, for he has found peace with Jesus.

Tonight we buried our baby.  We found the perfect spot.  We dug a hole and we placed him in the ground.   Many tears were shed and fervent prayers were offered up.  It was a precious moment shared between my husband and I under the darkened sky.

For us, he will always be in our hearts.  We are forever grateful to God for allowing us these few treasured weeks together.

 

Today we celebrate a miracle….

Where do I start?

This past week has been rough.  Since finding out our embryo did not have a heart beat and was measuring small at 6 weeks 3 days, we have been on a roller coaster of emotions.  They had told us there was no hope.  They told us that the baby had quit growing and that they had never seen a pregnancy like it turn around.  Over the past 5 days, we went back and forth as to whether we should miscarry naturally, or take misoprostol or schedule a D&C.  That day, overwhelmed with grief and flooding emotions, we decided that we would just stop our medications and let nature begin to take its course.   In 30 years of practice, our Reproductive Endocrinologist had never seen an embryo turn the corner after such a devastating ultrasound. According to him, it had died and miscarriage would ensue shortly.

Later that evening, as we were getting ready for bed, we decided to let my husband’s mother in on what had been going on.  We just felt like we needed more support and who better than mom.  As my husband relayed our tragic news to her, through muffled sobs I could overhear her asking him over and over again if there was any hope for a miracle.  Is there any hope?  Could it be possible?

These words resonated deep within my heart and in that moment we decided that we needed to give this embryo every last chance that we could.  Whatever happened, I didn’t want to look back knowing that we didn’t try, that we didn’t at least continue our meds for  a few more days and do a confirmatory ultrasound the following week.  So, I hurried back into the bathroom, gave myself my IM progesterone and endometrin and to a fitful night of sleep we went.

Over the next few days we pleaded with God, while all the while trying to be real with ourselves about the likelihood of miscarriage.  A friend sent me a card with a verse that really carried me through the weekend (Psalm 27:13), “For I would have despaired had I not believed in the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”  I took heart and let this be my anthem trusting that his will is perfect, his timing is perfect.  The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  He is trustworthy.  It was definitely a faith building wait and wait was all we could do.

Today, as we drove to the ultrasound, we prayed for a heart beat, we prayed for a miracle, we also prayed for strength, for courage, and for peace with whatever the outcome.

Well, to get to the point…there it was….the heart beat.  It was there.   The embryo had grown and it was alive!  But even in this, the waiting continues.  The embryo is measuring a week behind.  It is measuring 6 weeks 1 day and I am supposed to be 7weeks 1 day.  We are FAR from out of the woods and are in a state of limbo.  Our RE is pretty sure that it is an abnormal embryo and will quit growing over the next week or so.  We will go back in a week and a half to hopefully have a more definitive answer one way or the other.  For now, we wait, we hope, we prepare for whatever may come our way.  We are SOOOO far from clearing the uneasiness and 1st trimester dangers and this waiting period will be one of the most difficult.  I can’t even begin to tell you what hearing that your embryo is abnormal and most likely has a condition that wouldn’t be compatible with life does for your heart, but time will tell.  Today, we wait and celebrate that the impossible has happened for us and there is no reason this baby can’t defy all odds and grow to be the most beautiful and healthy little baby! If the baby does stop growing, there will be plenty of time to grieve.  Today, we celebrate life.  Today, I focus and muster all my courage upon just being thankful for this miracle and NOT allow my mind to ponder what ifs.