Processing miscarriage

In the weeks since my miscarriage, my state of being has been up and down. I still am having a difficult time wrapping my mind around the purpose in all of this. I try to remember that so many have it worse, or are fighting bigger battles. I remember what a gift it is that we have our precious Eden. I remember just how truly blessed we are in this life and the absolute gift it is that we have such a strong, beautiful marriage. I remember, I give thanks, but the sting still hurts. From the very depths of my being, I grieve, I fight the longings and the ache of it all. Just tonight, a friend announced a pregnancy with a due date in the same week our precious little one would have been due. I thought I was good, but it brought back all the emotions, the hurt, the turmoil and confusion that surrounded those few weeks of my pregnancy given my emergent surgery and everything.

What’s been equally challenging is just how long this miscarriage is lasting. I thought it would all be over with the passing of the gestational sac, but now I wait for my hcg to drop. It has been 4 weeks. It went from 7700 to 95 to 31. In one and a half weeks I will go back in again for another hcg. I hope and pray that it will finally be less than 5, the magical number for which I wait. Once it is there, we will wait for a period to begin and then the whole process starts again. So potentially we are looking at another few months before we will be able to do an embryo transfer. I know what many may be thinking…”it’s just a few months, what’s the big deal?” And I know, it is easy to say such things…but I am telling you, it’s not that easy when you are living it, when daily you walk in the uncertainty of your future, when getting pregnant means injections, appointments, missing work, bed rest and so many thousands of dollars. It is all worth it, believe me and I know it completely but nonetheless it is taxing. And it becomes even more wearisome when it doesn’t work. And let me be honest in saying that I just felt so messed with with this whole last pregnancy. I just feel like the person Job in the bible and that God allowed everything to come crashing down in front of me…bit by bit. I know it is nothing compared to what Job lost, but it was a disheartening journey. The carrot would be dangled in front of me, and then hope would be dashed and then I would be asked to wait…and then the whole cycle would continue, hope…hope dashed…wait…hope…hope dashed…wait and then finally…complete LOSS and DEVASTATION.

Yet, as I have always said…faith endures, I will wait on God. I know that everything will be beautiful in time, that the waiting will be fruitful, that we will be blessed beyond measure…but it won’t be on our timeline. Right now I am in the refiner’s fire…getting worked over, molded. Day by day, my character grows stronger, my ability to persevere increasingly steadfast.

Get ready y’all…it’s going to be a beautiful story.

Back in the trenches…

Well, it’s official, we are back in the trenches and are planning a FET for March or early April.  I have completed all my testing and now we wait for my next cycle.  With it, I will start a medicated cycle.  It really feels surreal this time around.  I don’t feel that same sense of urgency and accompanying anxiety wondering if it will work.  The last 10.5 months have been a dream come true and I can’t even imagine what adding another beautiful baby to the family will be like.

As for now, we are planning to only transfer one.  If I knew I could carry twins to term, if I knew they would be healthy, if I knew I wouldn’t go on bedrest, if I knew I wouldn’t be signing up for a crazy first few years, then I would probably go for it.  But as you can see, there are so many unknowns.  Of course, there are always unknowns…singleton pregnancy or with multiples, but at least my chances increase of all of those unknowns working out in my favor with a singleton.  Now, if the transfer doesn’t work, then I admit that all bets are off and that we might proceed subsequently with 2.  After all, we did put in two the first time and ended up with one precious little Eden Rose. Time will tell.

I haven’t blogged forever, but have really enjoyed following the stories of others and their journey in this process, so I think I will start cataloging this journey again.

Now for my digression….

Because we are choosing to get this process going, as of this weekend, I have to quit breastfeeding.  This is hard…and weighs on me heavily. Part of me feels selfish for not getting her to a year, for proceeding with this FET and pursuing baby #2 when our sweet girl who is here still loves to nurse and benefits greatly from it.  Will I regret it?  What if the FET doesn’t work?  Really…I am just so sad she is growing up so fast and that I will never nurse my baby girl again.  Where has the time gone?  How can it be that she is almost a year?  I  cherish our nursing moments together.  Truly, it has been bittersweet…though mostly so sweet.  As for the partly bitter…pumping in the shower for the last 6 months during my breaks, the ever present distracted state of her little mind while she nurses (but mom, there is so much going on around me, the clock is ticking, that picture looks so pretty today, is that a book that I need to bite into on the coffee table?), the fact that I have the slowest letdown in the world (which often makes her so upset), never-mind the fact that your life has to revolve around it.  All worthy sacrifices that I haven’t thought twice about.  My only comfort is that we have a freezer supply that should get her to a year.  Thus tomorrow, it will end, I will nurse her one last time and have my wonderful husband capture a few pictures and then we will move on.