Back in the trenches…

Well, it’s official, we are back in the trenches and are planning a FET for March or early April.  I have completed all my testing and now we wait for my next cycle.  With it, I will start a medicated cycle.  It really feels surreal this time around.  I don’t feel that same sense of urgency and accompanying anxiety wondering if it will work.  The last 10.5 months have been a dream come true and I can’t even imagine what adding another beautiful baby to the family will be like.

As for now, we are planning to only transfer one.  If I knew I could carry twins to term, if I knew they would be healthy, if I knew I wouldn’t go on bedrest, if I knew I wouldn’t be signing up for a crazy first few years, then I would probably go for it.  But as you can see, there are so many unknowns.  Of course, there are always unknowns…singleton pregnancy or with multiples, but at least my chances increase of all of those unknowns working out in my favor with a singleton.  Now, if the transfer doesn’t work, then I admit that all bets are off and that we might proceed subsequently with 2.  After all, we did put in two the first time and ended up with one precious little Eden Rose. Time will tell.

I haven’t blogged forever, but have really enjoyed following the stories of others and their journey in this process, so I think I will start cataloging this journey again.

Now for my digression….

Because we are choosing to get this process going, as of this weekend, I have to quit breastfeeding.  This is hard…and weighs on me heavily. Part of me feels selfish for not getting her to a year, for proceeding with this FET and pursuing baby #2 when our sweet girl who is here still loves to nurse and benefits greatly from it.  Will I regret it?  What if the FET doesn’t work?  Really…I am just so sad she is growing up so fast and that I will never nurse my baby girl again.  Where has the time gone?  How can it be that she is almost a year?  I  cherish our nursing moments together.  Truly, it has been bittersweet…though mostly so sweet.  As for the partly bitter…pumping in the shower for the last 6 months during my breaks, the ever present distracted state of her little mind while she nurses (but mom, there is so much going on around me, the clock is ticking, that picture looks so pretty today, is that a book that I need to bite into on the coffee table?), the fact that I have the slowest letdown in the world (which often makes her so upset), never-mind the fact that your life has to revolve around it.  All worthy sacrifices that I haven’t thought twice about.  My only comfort is that we have a freezer supply that should get her to a year.  Thus tomorrow, it will end, I will nurse her one last time and have my wonderful husband capture a few pictures and then we will move on.