Today we celebrate a miracle….

Where do I start?

This past week has been rough.  Since finding out our embryo did not have a heart beat and was measuring small at 6 weeks 3 days, we have been on a roller coaster of emotions.  They had told us there was no hope.  They told us that the baby had quit growing and that they had never seen a pregnancy like it turn around.  Over the past 5 days, we went back and forth as to whether we should miscarry naturally, or take misoprostol or schedule a D&C.  That day, overwhelmed with grief and flooding emotions, we decided that we would just stop our medications and let nature begin to take its course.   In 30 years of practice, our Reproductive Endocrinologist had never seen an embryo turn the corner after such a devastating ultrasound. According to him, it had died and miscarriage would ensue shortly.

Later that evening, as we were getting ready for bed, we decided to let my husband’s mother in on what had been going on.  We just felt like we needed more support and who better than mom.  As my husband relayed our tragic news to her, through muffled sobs I could overhear her asking him over and over again if there was any hope for a miracle.  Is there any hope?  Could it be possible?

These words resonated deep within my heart and in that moment we decided that we needed to give this embryo every last chance that we could.  Whatever happened, I didn’t want to look back knowing that we didn’t try, that we didn’t at least continue our meds for  a few more days and do a confirmatory ultrasound the following week.  So, I hurried back into the bathroom, gave myself my IM progesterone and endometrin and to a fitful night of sleep we went.

Over the next few days we pleaded with God, while all the while trying to be real with ourselves about the likelihood of miscarriage.  A friend sent me a card with a verse that really carried me through the weekend (Psalm 27:13), “For I would have despaired had I not believed in the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”  I took heart and let this be my anthem trusting that his will is perfect, his timing is perfect.  The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  He is trustworthy.  It was definitely a faith building wait and wait was all we could do.

Today, as we drove to the ultrasound, we prayed for a heart beat, we prayed for a miracle, we also prayed for strength, for courage, and for peace with whatever the outcome.

Well, to get to the point…there it was….the heart beat.  It was there.   The embryo had grown and it was alive!  But even in this, the waiting continues.  The embryo is measuring a week behind.  It is measuring 6 weeks 1 day and I am supposed to be 7weeks 1 day.  We are FAR from out of the woods and are in a state of limbo.  Our RE is pretty sure that it is an abnormal embryo and will quit growing over the next week or so.  We will go back in a week and a half to hopefully have a more definitive answer one way or the other.  For now, we wait, we hope, we prepare for whatever may come our way.  We are SOOOO far from clearing the uneasiness and 1st trimester dangers and this waiting period will be one of the most difficult.  I can’t even begin to tell you what hearing that your embryo is abnormal and most likely has a condition that wouldn’t be compatible with life does for your heart, but time will tell.  Today, we wait and celebrate that the impossible has happened for us and there is no reason this baby can’t defy all odds and grow to be the most beautiful and healthy little baby! If the baby does stop growing, there will be plenty of time to grieve.  Today, we celebrate life.  Today, I focus and muster all my courage upon just being thankful for this miracle and NOT allow my mind to ponder what ifs.

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14 thoughts on “Today we celebrate a miracle….

  1. I have been praying for you, and hope so much this turns out to be your miracle. The roller coaster is so difficult. We went through something nowhere near as bad, but kind of similar. We were told that our baby’s sac was too small and should expect to lose her, to expect to start bleeding, and to come in to confirm on the ultrasound. Sure enough, I did start bleeding, and we thought all hope was lost, but there was still a heartbeat, and she made it all the way. One lesson I had to learn, especially early on when you are getting such detailed early info at RE ultrasounds is that measurements taken that way and that early are notoriously inaccurate, so try not o get too caught up in the numbers (easier said than done, I know!) I don’t know how this will all turn out, but I will be praying for you every day!!

  2. Oh man. A similar thing happened to a friend of mine, and the waiting was so difficult for her. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers friend. Grow embryo grow!!!

  3. Miracles do happen…..I will continue to pray for you. Today to see a heartbeat is miraculous, I hope the good continues. I’m glad that God led you to wait and have a confirmatory ultrasound.

    • Me too, I am so thankful we waited. I can only imagine the regret we might have endured had we stopped all the medications right…perhaps always wondering what could have been and did we make the right decision? Hugs to you!!!!

  4. AMEN! I felt like I had to do that constantly through Abby’s pregnancy. You have been so strongly on my heart. Psalms 27 was the chapter that I read over and over again for the last five months or so of pregnancy. One way or the other, God’s promises hold true. We will see His goodness in the land of the living. Hugs!

    • I love that God gave each of us the same verse. He is so faithful, so GOOD and Abby’s story was such a huge source of strength for me in my waiting. You all are truly amazing…God’s faithfulness just pours out of your story in every way and is an amazing testimony of His goodness in the land of the living! Hugs to you, friend!

  5. Please tell me how yours turned out. Your story is EXACTLY what my husband and I are going through. RE told me no way, absolutely certain baby was lost since there was no heartbeat. Stopped my progesterone and just went for a D&C consult with my gyno. He wanted to do his own ultrasound. Sure enough there it was. Heartbeat and kidney bean only 3 days after the RE told us dead. Problem is RE says I shud b 7 weeks and today’s u/s showed 6wks 1 day. I’m dying to know how your roller coaster turned out.

    • I am so sorry you are going through this!!! It was one of the worst times in my life!!! We ended up losing our baby. There was no heartbeat with the next ultrasound 8 days later so we ended up doing misoprostol which worked fine for me. I follow another woman’s blog who had the exact same story to except her baby made it and always measured small throughout the duration of her pregnancy. Always about 6 days behind. They never could figure it out since everything is so perfectly measured and dated but the baby did great and was born completely healthy. So I guess it could go either way. I so so so hope your baby’s heart keeps beating strong and you get some amazing news at your next ultrasound. Sending you the biggest hugs and prayers that everything goes okay for you!!! Such a hard and difficult journey!!!

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