From time to time, my husband feels inspired to write a post…to details his feelings as we journey this season together. I encourage it and LOVE it. This was written by him over the weekend.
Today was a very discouraging day in our battle with infertility. Once again we had to succumb to the undertow of Danielle’s period. Cycle 20…..the big 20. There was a brief period of hope recently when we thought that one of my medications might be causing our infertiliy. Now after two months of trying off the medication, that hope is hanging by a thread. Yes, we may analize and say that next month will be the true test because it does take a certain amount of time for the sperm to regenerate (somewhere around 65 days), But now we are wondering if this really was the open door we hoped for, or nothing at all.
Monday I head back to the pharmacy for my wife to pick up another bottle of clomid from my coworkers. How humiliating. This is one of the many areas of pride that I’ve had to let down and get over in this process. Being a pharmacist and having to pick up prescriptions from the same people that I work with is one of my favorite joys. (sarcasm)
I’m not sure what is more discouraging for my wife; not being pregnant again, or thinking about all of the incredible hoops we have to jump through in the next few weeks to further our attempts. We have ultrasounds, injections, pills, and and IUI appointment to arrange, all while both having a full work schedule and employers who are chronically understaffed and coworkers who have no idea what we are going through that could be so important that we would leave them stranded.
A friend of ours recently asked us after hearing about our continued struggle, “do you think your timing might be off?” What an insulting question! The ignorance of many of our friends is staggering and infuriating sometimes. We are two educated people in the medical field who have been trying desperately to get pregnant now for a year and a half. Our timing?!? Do you know what you are talking about? Do you even know your own cycle enough to be asking that question? I’m sorry but I figured since this is a blog I can let out the true steam of my inner thoughts.
When my best friend got his wife pregnant by accident, I had such a hard time dealing with the feelings of injustice. I know that there is a greater plan, but come on!?! They weren’t even sure if they wanted to have kids. I have been avoiding getting together with him one on one because I am fairly sure that now that he has successfully gotten his wife pregnant, he is an expert on the topic and fit to help me narrow down the problem we are having. Dude, you forgot your condom one time, you have no idea what we are going through!
All in all, I’m feeling pretty worn out from all of this. I’m feeling like the kid who gets beat up every week and has his lunch money taken, but still has to put his glasses back on and make it to class. Somehow I have to search deep down and find some hope to keep going in this. Sometimes I feel like it would be so easy just to give up, but when I think about the emptiness my wife and I would feel at that time, I find enough strength to keep going. I’m hoping that day doesn’t have to come, but I know it may. I’m hoping that if it does that, at the same time, God will bring a complete peace to our hearts.