There is water in the desert…

Almost a month ago, I blogged about the seasons of rains in our lives.  After sometimes dry and weary “growing”, endurance fostering seasons, the rains are promised to come to refresh and give life to our withering souls.  How do we learn to live “between the rains“?

While hiking in Tucson 2 weeks ago, my husband and I came across this small creek bed, mostly dried up save for a few small pools. It served as a tangible reminder of this truth.

There is water in the desert.

It’s a dry season for us.  Life is good, but we are found wanting for me.  We thirst for the greater fulfillment that a family of our own would offer.

Sometimes you have to look for it, sometimes you have to dig for it.  Sometimes you even have to experience intense heat, exhaustion and a parched throat before you discover it.  But if you persevere, while learning to live “between the rains”, eventually you will find water and your soul will be refreshed.

Keep walking.  Keep searching.  Keep asking questions whilst not forgetting where you have already been.

A shout out for Tucson…

I LOVE Tucson.

I am going to say it again.

I love Tucson. I mean, what’s not to love?

It’s gorgeous, warm, and greener then you think!  We spent a glorious 6 days in Tucson visiting family and friends, drinking in the sites, and dining on the dishes of new restaurants and lounges.  It was fabulous.

I lived in Tucson for 2 years and moved away about 6 years ago to attend grad school.  I followed a boy there.  Yep, I’m that girl.  The story becomes more pathetic when you learn that he had already rejected me, but I was desperate and went anyway.  WOW!  You bet, I AM that girl.

The Sunsets are to DIE for!  With all the dust in the air, the sky turns astounding shades of orange, red, and pink.

More to come…

 

Musings in Infertility

3 things to report:

1.  A friend who has known about our infertility for the last 8 months asked me last week if maybe our timing was off.  Really?

2.  A friend told me today…instead of being understanding and supportive, and after she had finished telling me that they have been trying to get pregnant for 3 months and how hard it has been on them (they have a 2 year old)…she said, “Oh well, at least you guys have this time together.  We had 3-4 years before kids and I’m so glad.”   Thanks.  I’m not on your time line.

3.  The baby shower I went to last weekend…an interesting happening occurred.  While my friend was opening her gifts, her sister-in-law began describing to the woman beside her, in a regular, non-hushed voice about her struggle with infertility over the last 3 years.  I mean, I completely understand the pain she is experiencing, but there is a time and place for every conversation.  It wasn’t subtle, but seemed more like an attention grabber.  The hostess of the party just stared at her in disbelief as she rattled on and on as our dear friend opened her presents and we celebrated the upcoming birth of her daughter.  Many of us acted as if we hadn’t heard her.  It was rather repugnant and I felt embarrassed as a fellow sympathetic infertility sojourner for how she handled herself.  No bueno.

 

Other than that…it’s 2 week window time.  I feel ambivalent.  Will it happen this month, probably not.  I am so curious what our next move will be and how this is all going to unfold.

Take care.

 

the road less traveled…

Sometimes, I just don’t know what to say.  I have probably started at least 7 new posts over the past few weeks and just can’t quite seem to get it out right in written word.  I am in a strange spot…wavering between thoughts of anticipation and defeat.

Will this be our month?  Or will we soon join the wagon train named IVF.  I’m just not sure.  My husband is increasingly feeling defeated.  We have prayed and prayed for a baby.  How do you respond to God when he doesn’t seem ready to respond to you?  Have our prayers been heard?  Are our hearts in the right spot?

This week a friend of mine posted the following on facebook.  God only answers prayer in  3 ways:  1.  Yes  2.  Not Yet   3.  I have something BETTER in mind.

I have heard this before, but this week it served as a good reminder as I try so desperately to remember that if God does not will for us our own biological child, there WILL be something better for us.  I was encouraged by a radio program I just happen to tune into in which there were 3 women describing their journey through infertility.  I was struck by the fact that at the end of the day, all three woman got the family they so desired.  Whether biological or adopted children, all came out out with precious family members.  In retrospect, they could all, without question, say that things turned out perfectly for them.  I found the program very encouraging.  I love hearing people share their stories.  I love hearing the hope that was discovered and the unending joy that God brought into their lives though they journeyed through such a difficult and trying season.

A friend of mine who did IVF and has two beautiful twin boys reminds me each time I see her at work that no matter what, someday I will have my family.  No matter what.  It will happen. At times, I so desperately want to believe her.  At other times, I feel that she has forgotten what it was like to walk this road and is trying to brush off my feelings as insignificant.  But deep down, I know, in the bottom of my heart that she is right.  One day, I will have the children I so deeply desire and it will be GOOD.  I am just not certain as to how we will get there, but I will!

As for now, I am off to a baby shower.  Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading.

March Photo Challenge : Day 21 – Treat

TREAT.

This is an EASY one for me!!!! While in San Diego last week ago…my husband’s best friend took us to this amazing dessert place downtown. I think it was called Just Desserts or Everything Desserts. I was a little skeptical about the place given its name. (There I go again, judging a place by its name.) Yet, it exceeded my expectations!!! Here are a few pictures of our delightful sweets. We should have known that we wouldn’t even have been able to each finish a 1/4 of our deliciousness…these each could have fed a family – but, nonetheless it was fun to sample a few!

Side note to the story. While there, we tried to set up my husband’s friend with the bartender. It was a very classy place and she was super sweet. Yet, when my husband casually mentioned to her that our friend was interested, she politely refused and said she was seeing someone. The rest of the evening she lingered near us, her face slightly blushed, a smile ever present. He ended up leaving his digits on a napkin. Some things are worth the risk, you just never know when and how you might meet that special someone.

Anyway, back on track. I have to admit…the treats don’t stop there. I just pulled some chocolate crinkles out of the oven. I LOVE my days off!

Take care!

March Photo Challenge: Day 19 – Numbers

18.

18, can you see it?

18 glorious days until my husband’s beloved swimmers are FREE of their chemically altered structure. (SEE our post about our appointment with our Reproductive Endocrinologist.)

Friday, April 6 is our day!  Spermatogenesis will be complete and hopefully we will be on our way to a pregnancy.  Am I that hopeful?  Not really at this point.  Hope was alive for a good 6 weeks, but is beginning to fade. I take in almost completed pregnancies and toddling toddlers all around me and I find it hard to believe that I will ever get to live through a stage such as that.  It’s protective.  It’s my ability to cope.  To somehow persevere…to maintain, at times, at least in this area, a glass half-empty mentality.  I will give it the phrase – guarding my heart.  There has already been so much hurt, bleeding pain, and ceaseless tears.  So, I wait.  I live.  One day at a time.  A philosophy that works, that protects, that offers hope in the stagnant waiting in which we walk.

March Photo Challenge – Day 10

We’re at the beach tonight. It’s freezing! Beautiful though. I gotta get my picture up for Day 10. So tonight it’s a simple iPhone pic.

Love.

This is one I would love to write more about…but I think it’s pretty obvious how I feel about my man. I couldn’t imagine loving someone more and am sooo incredibly blessed to have him in my world.

But as I said earlier, it’s freezing. My hands are going numb and I need to get this posted!

Take care!!!

March Photo Challenge – Day 9

SOFT.

This grass is oh so soft and just dying for busy feet and spring picnics to tread its surface.  Today is one of those days that feel like spring is here!  It’s in the air.  It’s sunny in the Pacific Northwest and I am loving it!

Tonight we head to the Southwest, so for the next week and a half my pictures will be coming at you Beach/Desert Style.  We’ll see what comes…but just had to give one last shout out to the lovely grass growing in the back of our abode before we part ways for a short time.

Hope all are well!

Blessings.

March Photo Challenge – Day 8

HEAL.

My hands are beyond help.  If there is something that always brings relief and moisture to their dry, parched, rugged surface – it is this!  The most healing, non-greasy, wonderful hand lotion I have found!!!  At times, the winter winds and low humidity leave my hands cracked and bleeding.  After applying this lotion for a few days, I will once again have the smooth, soft, healthy skin I love.  It is my healing lotion.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!  I feel like this sounds like an advertisement…but it is what came to mind this Thursday morning.

March Photo Challenge – Day 7

PURPLE.

This past week I was given this blanket from a woman at my church.  She had recently been on a mission to trip to Guatemala and had bought this blanket for herself as a memento from the trip. On her flight home, she realized that this blanket wasn’t meant for her, instead she felt it was to be our blanket…for our BABY.  So she gave it to me.  Just like that.

In one of my early posts in my blog, I conveyed a story of breaking down and sharing our struggle with infertility at my bible study.  This woman was sitting next to me.  Ever since, her heart has been with us in our journey.  She is a fellow prayer warrior and remains confident that soon, very soon, we will have the baby we so long for.

Anyway, her friendship has meant a great deal to us as of late.  We have been blown away by her love and consideration of our heart wrenching battle.  Her children are in their late teens and she is a single mom struggling to make ends meet while going back to school to get her degree.  Her generosity is both humbling and heart warming.  What a beautiful woman!  Thank you, dear friend.

I know it’s another promise, meant for me…straight from God.  A tangible example of him moving in the midst of our story.  This blanket means more to me than I can express.