As time carries on, and the weeks and months grow into many that separate us from the first news of our untimely miscarriage, we move forward. I would say that time heals, but I would be lying. Time removes the sting, the punch in the gut sort of feeling, and maybe even the heartbreak, but I am finding it doesn’t seem to remove the, I’ll call it…the abyss that is miscarriage. The abyss…the God-given area of our heart that attaches to its unborn, the part of ourselves that gives completely to that in which grows in her depths. Oftentimes, we are unaware of just how deep our feelings and connection goes until our baby is born or until we have time to feel its bond. Yet, it is real no matter where you are in you are in your pregnancy and when you lose it, you know that this special area of your heart, created just for this little person, will forever be vacant, will forever wonder if and what. There are big reminders…dates, pregnancies in similar spots and there are small reminders…musings of your mind, the to do list in the back of your head that you began to formulate upon realization of conception, the shoes you saved for the what if it was this gender or the picture you found at the thrift store – perfect for your future child’s room. Yes, it’s there…my abyss, my longing for my child. I wonder how this space will evolve over time. Will I ever be able to rectify its presence? Time marches on, friends and family move forward, miscarriage is often forgotten, but a mother carries forever her abyss, her God-given hole for her baby.
Even in the face of knowing we get to move forward and try again and are deep in the planning stages for our next embryo transfer, I feel the longing. I almost unknowingly calculate in my mind where I would have been in my pregnancy. I can’t help it, I long to be able to begin to feel the movement of my baby, to have scheduled the anatomy ultrasound and be in the planning stages of a gender reveal party. I am hopeful that there will be news of another baby soon enough, a successful transfer and a celebration of a healthy pregnancy. In time, I trust I will have these things again. In time, I know that my heart will feel fulfilled and that it will give immeasurably more love than I ever thought it capable to the sweet lovelies whom I will bear. In time, the pain will continue to lesson, slowly replaced with a heartfelt understanding that God always KNEW what he was up to.
Like so many other battles I have endured, Faith enters the picture, triumphant and certain. There are just so many things in life you have to accept on Faith. We have a very limited understanding compared to God. Ultimately, healing comes with trusting in His promises. Our Faith carries us forward.
Faith that all will be made right some day.
Faith that He makes everything beautiful in time.
Faith that my baby dances with Jesus.
Faith that He is GOOD.
Faith that He will give me the strength to forever carry on, to bear even more hurts and to live in even greater JOY.
To Him be the Glory. To Him I surrender my heart, my abyss…please fill it with your love.